Running Hollywood On A Need-To-Know Basis

By John Brodie, Dan Cox and Ted Johnson

HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - Once again, it's time for the honest-to-God, heavens-to-Murgatroyd quotes of the year, which we gleaned in the course of reporting the news of 1996.

Following are actual quotes. You know who you are. But we'll never tell.

What is the best way to find out if an item ran in the paper today?

-- An assistant at one of the Big Three talent agencies in L.A.

He was dead at the age of 40, which is great for casting.

-- Someone involved in a biopic at Disney

Of course, I'm telling the truth! Do you think I would lie to you in such an obvious fashion?

-- Studio executive

Agent: How could you write that story?! Nothing has changed from four weeks ago! Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

Reporter: Well, the director's price did go from $250,000 to $1.5 million.

Agent: OK, well -- maybe some things changed.

Executive: I'm very happy and I'm not going anywhere.

Reporter: Great, so that's your quote.

Executive: Oh no, that's not on the record.

Reporter: You didn't say off the record.

Executive: Oh God, I have to get back to you.

(The executive announced his new job the next day).

Reporter: Do you represent Jack Lemmon?

WMA client information: How do you spell his last name?

Reporter: Jack Lemmon's last name?! Like it sounds.

WMA: What category is he in?

Reporter: I don't understand.

WMA: Is he a director or what?

I can't give you a scoop, but I can give you something. How 'bout getting a hotel room around the corner?

-- An A-list director

I'm calling to apologize for (my boss). She wanted to make sure that you know that she's really sorry. She'll try calling you herself later, but I don't know ... she's really busy.

-- Publicist's assistant

Reporter: Can you tell me who the agent is for Martin Scorsese?

CAA client information: Who are you calling for?

Reporter: For me. I need to know who represents Scorsese.

CAA: Who are you?

Reporter: What does it matter?

CAA: I can't tell you until you tell me who you are.

Reporter: I'm (name) with Daily Variety.

CAA: OK. Now, how do you spell his name?

I don't know about John Travolta. I mean if you don't a make a deal with Richard Gere, he doesn't send the Dalai Lama after you.

-- A producer

You are crazy. You are a crazy, skinny little THUG!

-- An agent

Reporter: Arnold Rifkin's office please.

William Morris receptionist: Who?

Reporter: Arnold Rifkin. R-i-f-k-i-n.

WMA: I don't have an Arnold Rifkin working here.

Reporter: Yes you do. He's the head of the motion picture division.

WMA: I don't see him on my list. Can you call back?

Reporter: In the circus of life, we're the guys who clean up after the elephants.

Agent: At least you're not the one kissing its ass.

Just so WMA and CAA don't think we're picking on them, we would have added something from ICM client information, but they never pick up the phone.

Reuters/Variety